Originally Posted on April 24 at 2;00 AM as a gift to you from Professor Mentu
A quick google search on “How to get him to propose” returns over 12,000 results. Though search engine results often degrade into nebulous topics a few pages down, I actually skimmed my way through 18 pages of nothing but straight up articles on how a woman can get a man to propose marriage.
Of course the usual canned responses were represented from the “If he loves you, he’ll want to marry you and do the right thing, grrrrl” to the typical tactics of manipulation, downright lying, ultimatums, incessant bitching, getting knocked up on purpose, and endless forms of some rather creative shaming language.
The problem many women face today is that they fail to see a marriage proposal as the business transaction it is. A woman needs to sell herself to a man by making him an offer he can’t refuse: not an argument, not endless shaming language, not an ultimatum; but a value-added offer.
If you’re the average American woman (and I’m sure you’re not, snowflake) you’re probably an insignificant glob of butt butter that’s been left on the lawn to bake in the warm sunshine of egocentrism by the rancid stretched out poop chute of feminism. Your underdeveloped self-absorbed toddler brain may not be able to comprehend the simple concept of selling someone something they actually want, so I’m going to do my best to give you a little visibility on the matter.
But before we get in to the 5 easy steps to get him to propose, I’d like to point out the overarching problem. Time and time again, modern women try to sell themselves to men by marketing traits men either don’t want, don’t need, or already have.
You: “I pay my own bills!”
Me: “I should hope so. Fancy a fuck?”
You: “I went to Harvard for my MBA!”
Me: “Amassing debt in order to learn about finance is counterintuitive. Fancy a fuck?”
You: “I speak my mind and call it like I see it no matter what.”
Me: “That’s ok. Lots of women are socially awkward. Fancy a fuck?”
You: “I’m not like other women.”
Me: “I like other women. Fancy a fuck?”
You: “Where is this relationship going?”
Me: “To the bar. I left my wallet on the dresser though, so I’m going to need you to pick up the tab. Fancy a fuck?”
You: “I’m ready to settle down and get married.”
Me: “Awesome! Let me know how that works out for you. Fancy a fuck?
You: “If you truly loved me, you’d want to marry me.”
Me: “I truly love this Shiner Bock too, but I’m not going to marry it. Fancy a fuck?”
Over and over the Modern Princess continues to market herself by advertising her ability to gain the skills and attributes that are already abundant in the man world. In the marriage market, modern women really are trying to sell ice to Eskimos – which leaves men to value the only thing she has that they want or need: A vajayjay.
Ladies, if you want a man to propose, I suggest you crack open that Marketing 101 textbook you bought years ago and start taking notes. We both know you’re at that age where you’re still desirable, but you’re fast approaching that critical (and hilarious) moment when your next youth and beauty check might bounce.
How to get a man to propose in 5 easy steps:
1. Do your market research. Determine what the men you find attractive want in a wife, then give it to them. If you’re not willing to do this, then on behalf of men everywhere, I invite you to shut up and stop bitching about not being married. Shaming your customers into buying your product only works on women and beta males (women). And no, banging a different man every three months on your way to the serial monogamy hall of fame is not market research.
2. Advertise something he does not already have and is likely to value. You’re strong, independent, successful, challenging, aggressive and assertive? Well la-dee-da; he is too. In fact, if you’re considering him as a marriage prospect, he probably has all of that in spades. Try offering him something he doesn’t have and is likely to value. I bet he’s not feminine, soft, sweet, caring, kind, gentle or maternal, and I’ll bet he values those traits and doesn’t see them as a weakness like you do for some reason. A man interested in marriage is not looking for an executive, author, clinician, comedian, artist, pilot, politician, researcher, HR representative, best friend, buddy or pal – he’s looking for a wife. You may be a super-duper awesome business lady, but are you qualified to the fill the wifely position for which you’re applying? Don’t answer that, because you don’t get to make that decision – the hiring manager does.
3. Offer quality and long-lasting dependability. So you started out as a good girl, then changed your mind and began sucking dick in the 10th grade. Then you changed your mind again and went good girl for the first few months of college, but changed your mind again and started taking it up the ass at frat parties. Then you changed your mind again and decided to commit to your career and find a stable relationship, but changed your mind again and banged your married boss and a handful of coworkers. Then you changed your mind again and decided to go to church to meet a good man, then you changed your mind again and started working your way through the singles ministry like a hypergamous cock-thirsty harlot.
But now you’ve changed your mind again and want to settle down in a life of marital bliss, so somehow you need to convince him that this change – unlike all of the other changes – is permanent. Men want quality and dependability in a marriage partner, so start trying to convince him early on that your days of sluttery are farther behind you than the waterboy at the end of that train the football team ran on you.
4. Offer excellent customer service. The heart of any sale is the product itself, but part of the perceived value is the customer service and support that follows. Not bitching too much, realizing that your matters are trivial and should not be taken seriously, giving your man the space he needs to decompress when he comes home from a long day, fucking on command, learning how to give a decent blowjob, sustaining feminine mystique, putting a pot on the stove every night, and never making him spend one precious moment of his life talking to or hearing about your bitch friends – THAT’S customer service! This may sound brash and misogynistic to you, but it’s a sure-fire way to build brand loyalty.
5. Offer a no-hassle return policy. Are you independent and self-sufficient? Then let me invite you to literally put your money where your mouth is by letting him know you’re willing to sign a prenuptial agreement. A truly proud and self-sustaining woman should have no problem agreeing to walk away from the marriage with nothing more than what she brought to the table if things go awry. A prenup doesn’t prohibit you from enjoying a healthy marriage any more than medical insurance prohibits you from enjoying a healthy lifestyle, nor does a prenup promote marital failure any more than your Liberty Mutual homeowner’s insurance promotes house fires.
Ladies, these five simple steps to get him to propose marriage will get you much closer to success and help protect you from the Spousing Bubble if you market yourself correctly. Oh, and it totally helps if your tits are perky and your pussy tastes like hope.